Through practice, politeness becomes intentional, habitual behavior. Keep this chain in mind as I review my experience with the MBA students and their leaders i. Although my public speaking chops had dulled from the lack of use, I accepted the speaking invitation with considerable enthusiasm and looked forward to interacting with students who were learning the foundations of principled behavior, including the principle of decorum.
Because the class was an introductory one, it came as no surprise that the students were heavy on theory and light on practice. A legitimate explanation for this omission is that their professors do not share my theory of leader character and how it is developed.
Manners are taught by someone in a position of authority such as a parent or teacher who insists upon their practice rather than waiting for it to somehow magically appear. This is usually insisted upon by your parents or some other teacher. Because the students lacked sensitivity learned through experience with hearing impaired people and, therefore, awareness that they should sit closer to the front of the classroom doing otherwise leaves an uncomfortably large social space between speaker and audience , their teachers should have told them to do so.
Layer onto this missed opportunity that I set the students up for a show of politeness by telling them in a nice way and, I thought, with some humor that I am severely hearing impaired. So, I had to deal with an uncomfortable social gulf as well as the distraction of having to scamper around the classroom in order to see what the students were saying. While I was well-prepared for the class, I had the impression that my talk was not as well received as I would have liked.
Since the students were required to evaluate guest speakers, it would have been nice to have had my impression confirmed by a thumbs-down or, less likely, corrected by rave reviews. This, of course, was bad manners on the part of the professors rather than the students. I had asked to see the evaluations, but did not receive them.
Finally, since I chose to give the talk gratis, a thank you note — or even a thank you email — from the professors would have been an act of good manners on their part.
The question mark says all there is to say about the morality of good manners; that is, politeness is neither moral nor immoral, neither confirming nor disconfirming of another person. The importance of politeness is the choice to be possibly better than we are. Its sole intent is to appear to have regard for the dignity of another person. Stand this outcome in contrast to the bullying and demeaning nature of bad manners. In this sense, good manners are a crucial first step to setting the table for better and more genuine things to come such as the practice of true values such as humanity and justice.
Bad manners do nothing except to tap into that uniquely human vice we experience as meanness and its purpose of intimidating, disregarding, and harming others. All virtue is learned through education and experience, and perfected through intentional practice. Politeness is a pain-free practice of being virtuous. We act as though we cared until we actually do care, fake just acts until we are just, and so forth. In this sense, being principled is an act of discipline before it is an act of habit.
Of all of the virtues, politeness may be the easiest one to learn and set the pattern for learning others. Which brings me full turn to my fixation on leadership and answering one of the questions posed by the leadership class: What inclines us to follow some people and not others? Simple exchanges like thanking the cashier when given your change at the market or leaving your table at a self-serve restaurant clean and ready for the next diner teaches them that manners count in their family, that they are expected, and valued.
Treat your child with the same politeness you do an adult. Let them experience the good feelings of being on the receiving side of courtesy, respect and appreciation. Expect manners meltdowns. There will be times when even the most polite child forgets her manners, or even worst is downright rude. This is especially true as the child becomes older and more independent.
Correct them privately and calmly, but firmly. Turn it into a learning experience and not an opportunity to humiliate. Most of all, remember unlike that "extra" fish fork; manners shouldn't be reserved only for company or special occasions. Manners should be part of every single day. Have a question for the Healthy Kids panel? Ask it here. Read more from the Healthy Kids blog ». Skip to content Share Icon. Facebook Logo. Link Icon. Why do manners matter?
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